by Tommy Gimler
A lot of Atlanta Braves fans in Midtown are already sucking each other’s dicks and thinking World Series thanks to the arrival of the Upton brothers this offseason. But we think that may be both premature and gross.
Unlike Kate Upton, it’s just too hard to determine what you’re going to get from B.J. and Justin every year. On one hand, B.J. set a career high in home runs last year with 28. But he also struck out a career-high 169 times en route to a disappointing .246 average. In fact, he hasn’t hit over .246 since 2008. And while his 31 stolen bases is still an impressive number, it’s his lowest total since 2007.
Meanwhile, his brother Justin is more difficult to figure out than a stuttering hooker. After hitting 26 bombs in 2009 and 31 in 2011, he hit just 17 in both 2010 and 2012. In 2009 and 2011, he finished with 86 and 88 RBI respectively, but in 2010 and 2012 he drove in just 69 (haha) and 67.
Speaking of not knowing what you’re going to get, second baseman Dan Uggla is another box of chocolates. He has the potential to hit 40+ home runs, but at the same time, he can go an entire month without collecting a hit.
Two guys who don’t fall into that “what if?” category and can plow my sister are Jason Heyward and Freddie Freeman. Hell, they can destroy her at the same time for all I care. Both finished with impressive 20+ home run totals last year, with Heyward chipping in 21 steals and Freeman adding 94 RBI. The scary thing when it comes to these studs is that they’re already tearing up pitching like a back alley Vietnamese prostitute despite being just 23 years old.
If Tim Hudson can stay healthy, the combination of him and Kris Medlen at the top of the Braves starting rotation looks sexy. But if Hudson misses any extended time from being old and injured, then Atlanta is in a lot of fucking trouble because the combo of Paul Maholm, Mike Minor, and Julio Teheran does for me what a naked picture of Melissa McCarthy would do, and that is absolutely nothing.
However, if the Braves can take a lead into the 7th inning, like Jessica Simpson’s career, it’s over. Opposing teams will have to face Eric O’Flaherty and his 1.73 ERA in the 7th, Jonny Venters and his 1.71 ERA after coming of the DL in July last year in the 8th, and then the best closer in the game in Craig Kimbrel in the 9th. Kimbrel gave up just seven runs last year, en route to a 1.01 ERA and microscopic, like Selma Blair’s tits microscopic, 0.65 WHIP.
The Atlanta Braves were an impressive 38-16 against division opponents not named the Washington Nationals last year, and while the Phillies will surely provide a bigger challenge this year, 38 games against the Marlins and Mets mean hitting that mark again this year is very doable, like my slut cousin. And that means a return to the postseason in 2013 for the Braves is almost as much of a lock as my wife going to bed tonight without giving me handy.
2012 record: 94-68 (2nd, NL East)
2013 predictions
The DUD: 90-72 (2nd, NL East)
Vegas says: 86-76 (2nd, NL East)
Bleacher Report: 96-66 (2nd, NL East)
BaseballGuru.com: 85-77 (3rd, NL East)
Michael Luchies (Yahoo!): 80-82 (3rd place, NL East)
